Grief and pain are weird. Pain can be experienced by almost every higher level organism but grief seems to be experienced only by a very few species like us, elephants and orcas etc. It’s like a curse that we’re forced to reckon with. I have always struggled to feel and express emotions. Except for grief. I’m constantly haunted by the grief of losing the life I’ve imagined but could never have. And pain is one of the most primary sensations any living organism feels. Its origin is not just emotional, but also physiologically related to how humans have evolved.
There are two parts of “Pain”. One is the reflex/reaction that our body feels, another is the cause itself. You can always feel a paper cut, but you don’t notice the torn upper epidermis. The reflex hurts us. But its actually the wound hurting us. This reflex seems to be present in almost every being that has life, regardless of its ability to communicate. It is surprising how such a primitive, emotional sensory reactions who’s primary function is to warn the being of danger makes is immensely difficult to express the same emotion to others.
I lost my grandfather recently. He was in his 80s. He had his health issues yes, but he was sharp, never idle and constantly had something to do. “I’m a busy man”, he used to say. He was a career bank employee, valued discipline over everything else and was a little gullible. What people don’t tell you about losing someone important is how empty your life feels after their passing. The conversations you wanted to have, the “things” you wanted to do together, the stuff you wanted to buy for them. Who will I talk to about the specific topics I used to talk to my thathagaru? Who will guide me about growing coconut, mango and jack fruit trees? Who will quiz me about the random topics shown on the news everyday? I don’t know.
He always had strong beliefs, both about politics and religion. His room is filled with the letters he wrote to government officials with his ideas and ideals. They’re not always great ideas but I used to appreciate the fact that he is at least thinking about doing something different than maintaining the status quo. “I gave RBI the idea of demonetization” he used to say, and then we used to get into a heated argument about it which usually lasted for an hour. The room is filled with bundles of documents, everything meticulously noted from the 80s. The bills he paid, the things he bought and also about the people he cared about.
Because grief is self centered by definition, what I felt about him is shaped entirely by the 20 years I’ve seen him. He has always been a bony, opinionated, short tempered man who lived the ideal middle class life of post independence India. He is inspirational in a way. At least was to me, when I was 5. But that is not what everyone felt about him. He made his mistakes, he’s human after all. But he was also a monster according to a few who have seen and experienced the earlier phase of his life. And their grief is going to be dramatically different from what I’m experiencing. And that is ok.
Almost every organism feels pain but when you go smaller, the definition of pain breaks down. Its not just difficult for any observer to understand the pain of other organism, its almost impossible. Pain stopped early humans from doing something that harms them or puts them in danger, and it evolved into our very own spider-sense. Whereas grief on the other hand, is so much more complex to understand and express. For me though, it is the flood of memories of him trying to teach me things and the sum of all the times I missed to tell him that I loved him.