Neon Genesis Evangelion. If there’s any piece of media that I absolutely love but would not recommend to anyone then that is Evangelion. Please understand that this is not a breakdown, review or analysis of the show. This is just how I feel about the show and what it means to me.
When I first watched the show in my childhood I was a happy kid running around school and I thought it was just another anime show that’s famous. And that’s mostly why I watched it back then, because it was famous. It was a show that had giant robots with kids piloting them fighting monsters and as soon as the show entered its darker episodes I stopped watching it because frankly, I did not understand it.
But things changed when I entered watched the show again in my late teens. I was a sad, angry teenager who was constantly feeling like the world around him was crumbling down. I constantly cried about people not caring enough and being left alone fighting imaginary battles with expectations set by others. The most minuscule movements of my body used to feel like I was lifting something thousand times heavier than me and the most basic tasks felt like a burden. I felt like a burden. Existing was difficult. And I had difficulty expressing this feeling to others because I was always told to keep my head down, work hard and not bother about feelings because its futile. And then I watched the show.
For the first time ever, I was seeing my own pain in someone else. I could truly resonate with the protagonists feelings and watching him navigate through it all gave me a sense that I was not alone. Don’t get me wrong, it was still mostly a robots fighting monsters show for me. I will not pretend that I managed to understand all the themes discussed in the show, but I could somehow relate to the sensitive dialogue between the characters and connect that to the personal issues I had back then. Evangelion felt like it gets me. As the show slowly starts to grow from its beginning about a lonely kid suddenly burdened with a huge responsibility into a meta analysis about humanity’s existence I started to understand that most things around me are more nuanced and complex than I thought. Each character’s complex back story with harrowing depictions of humanity’s both good and evil, the complete disconnected nature of the show so far away from anything I have ever seen before and the haunting yet really poetic description of individual’s struggles with past trauma exposed my past vulnerable teenage self to a complex story that both worked as a fun escape from reality and also a complicated psycho analysis of deeply flawed individuals. It is also a look into the humanity and society that I was really afraid of. End of Evangelion and its surreal montage is often criticized to be pretentious and incoherent jargon, but it made sense to me. Given that the thing happening during the montage in the show was quite literally the apocalypse of existence, each characters mind goes through a whirlwind of emotions and it was something I could relate to.
While it is important to understand and interpret the show in your own unique way, it is also important to understand the situation in which the show was released and also Hideoki Anno’s state of mind while making the show. The studio Gainax was on the verge of bankruptcy before Evangelion despite partnerships with Bandai and Mayazaki. And Evangelion was their last Hail Mary attempt to save the company. And it did more than saving the company, it pushed the studio into limelight and became a behemoth. Although currently its now a shell of its past self. By now it is public knowledge that Anno was battling crippling depression and had a breakdown while making the show. As we watch the episodes, it becomes clearly evident exactly at which point it began and the show immediately starts deviating from its mecha-anime origins to something much darker. In a way Anno was using his characters to voice his struggles. Anyone who has ever battled depression will immediately recognize Anno’s cry for help. And that is what exactly the show is. Throughout the series with the help of characters and their trauma, we get a direct look into the his state. And this special view is unique to Eva.
The pandemic pushed many of us in corner and forced us to do new things and pick up new hobbies. I started consuming more content in multiple forms. Books, shows, games etc. And when Netflix recommended Eva again in the pandemic, I watched the whole show in a day. And watching this time felt somehow different from all times I’ve watched it earlier. It felt like I was watching my past self who was stuck in pain and agony; and very different from my present self. I understood the religious, philosophical themes better this time. I understood the nuance. But I realized its not me anymore. Watching it again told me that how much I’ve changed and grown over the past few years. The relationships and friends I made taught me a lot and pulled me out of darkness. I’m thankful and grateful for it.
I think I finally moved on from Eva. Thank you for everything. I hope I don’t have to go through all that again, but I know you’re there.